Monocled Alchemist

Captain Sensible happy talks his way through the most depressing period in the history of the world

Article published in NME, 10th July 1982

Captain Sensible | The Captain | HAPPY TALK is all the rage in this nation under a euphoria groove. Maggie Thatcher is Jesus in drag and everybody’s happy (talking) nowadays. And with a sniggering irony, well befitting such an occasion, 1982’s National Anthem comes from the mouth of a punk.

For Captain Sensible, it’s a dream come true. For England’s dreaming, it’s the perfect soundtrack. So why is ‘Happy Talk’ at Number One! Is it just a coincidence?

“I don’t know. I’m completely surprised and totally outraged . . . and I’m only in it for the money guvnor.”

“It’s just a joke isn’t it I did it for a laugh and it looks like turning into my best wheeze yet . . . and hopefully I’ll get extremely rich in the process.”

THE Top Of The Pops studio resembles Victoria coach station in the middle of a train strike. Hustling and hassling for deadlines, shuffled and ruffled pop stars tout for inclusion in the rapidly diminishing slot between World Cup live and World Cup highlights. John Peel makes mistakes; they run through it again, the producer raises well-worn eyebrows and mouths, “John Darling” with increasing exasperation. Visage splutter and cough in a flood of dry-ice, and slap-bang in the height of this congestion stands Captain Sensible, the star of the show.

So why is ‘Happy Talk’ at Number One?

“I’m there because the rest of the music in the Top 30 is just a pile of shit.”

Surely you should credit the current crop of pop with something more than that

“No. It’s just a pile of crap, just drivel. It’s all so meaningless isn’t it?”

Have you thought about ‘Happy Talk’ and what that means?

“It’s meaningless, but it’s a joke. Those songs try to be really serious about it all. Like Visage who were on today, did you see them? They walk around all po-faced and pretentious as if the weight of the world hangs around their shoulders. They’re just trying to hide from the truth that all they’re doing are three chord songs like everyone else and it doesn’t mean a fucking thing.”

Captain Sensible | The Captain

Before the conversation can progress any further, a BBC official hurriedly postpones the interview and ushers the Captain back into the studio. He’s the man in demand and his presence is required to liven up the proceedings. Everyone and his uncle wants to come close and pat him on the back and pay the obligatory lip-service.

It’s all too sickening and more than a little perverse so I retire to the comfort of the BBC bar and wait.

THE NEXT TIME I meet Captain Sensible is in his dressing room, a drab, joyless affair but a place offering welcome solitude. I’ve been wondering about The Damned. Where does this new found fame and fortune leave them?

“I love The Damned. They’re the most important thing in my life and I’d much rather this was a Damned success than mine.”

Have they actually got anything left to say? Is there any reason they should be carrying on in 1982?

“The whole point about The Damned was always to be as pathetic as possible and just be as childish as we could. It was always just one big tantrum, there wasn’t anything we actually wanted to say. So there’s no reason why we shouldn’t carry on now. In fact there’s a need for us, there is nothing else in the world like The Damned. Who do you know that’s anywhere near us?”

Captain Sensible | The Captain

In 1982? Too many bands to mention.

“Where else is there a drummer like Rat Scabies? I think that, without doubt we are a band doing something totally unique in this day and age. And now that Dave Vanian‘s learnt to sing, I think The Damned are going to be ludicrously successful. What do you think The Damned should do?”

Let sleeping legends lie down and die?

“That’s crap! I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks anyway. We’re only in it to amuse ourselves.

“The Damned have got a darn sight more to say than some of the fuckin’ dross pop bands around today. When we started creating a noise in ’76 we brought a breath of fresh air into everything and now it’s all gone stale again. There must be a need for The Damned. We were the ones who defied convention all those years ago. We were the ones who made it possible for all these shitheads to release records.”

Sounds a bit like sour grapes to me, but I keep the interview going and the Captain flowing. What do you think about punk in 1982?

“I like them as people and I admire their attitudes and I think it’s a worthwhile thing because there’s a lot of things that need to be said in Britain at this point in time.”

Like what? Happy Talk?

“Like kickin’ out the missiles and the yank bases. Like kickin’ out the tories. That’s like what.

“The good thing about punk is that it presents the viewpoint of real people and not the shit you get in the media. Punk says you don’t have to listen to anyone. There’s no dress restrictions, nothing you can’t say and as long as you don’t hurt anyone there’s nothing you can’t do.”

What about Damned gigs? They were always pretty chaotic but occasionally violent as well.

“They fucking well weren’t. There’s never been any violence at any Damned gigs.”

I’d disagree with that.

“It’s true. If there ever was any violence it’d be stamped out immediately. I detest and abhor violence.”

Captain Sensible | The Captain

You said earlier that you admired the attitudes of the current punk bands. Surely you must have realised that new punk imagery is inextricably linked with violence. Just take a look through Exploited song titles.

“No. I didn’t say that at all. I said that they were going down paths well trodden already. There’s only a few original ones around.”

Like who?

“The Anti Nowhere League, Bad Brains . . . and possibly a few more. I think the League are very original. People say they’re a manufactured punk band, that they’re just exploiting everyone’s worst fears. But they’re not, they’re real people. They were disgusting pigs before and they’re just the same now . . . only a bit richer.”

AFTER A further episode of hollow congratulations and starry-eyed Happy Talk, I meet the Captain for the last time. What’s happened to you as a person during the last five years?

“I’m not sure. I tend to despair a lot more for my country. This is probably the worst period in world history and you can’t ignore something like that. I’ve come to realise that if I’ve got a voice and there’s people willing to listen then I’ve got to say how disgusting some of the things I see are.”

We talk about his involvement with the Crass organisation and his only release for them, the ‘This Is Your Captain Speaking’ EP. Now that you’ve had a Number One would you still be prepared to work with Crass?

“I had something to say about the lunacy going on in this world and Crass gave me the perfect opportunity. During the time I spent with them I got to respect those people very much, they seemed very genuine, very passionate about their beliefs. What Crass are saying is very relevant and important in this day and age.”

I personally thought the Crass venture was a remarkably brave step for Captain Sensible. To make a record like that with a reputation of being just another prat, making a fool of himself all the time, requires a certain amount of courage. Wasn’t there a risk of his reputation detracting from the sentiment behind the song?

“I wish you wouldn’t call me a prat. I have got a Number One record you know?

“The point is that these things need saying, it doesn’t matter who says them. You’ve got to say that Prince Charles ought to piss off and leave us alone. Every time you pick up a newspaper, it’s called a newspaper and yet all they talk about is Royalty all the time. Who needs them? This country’d be ten times better off without those over-privileged, over-paid snobs. Bollocks to them.

“From the moment I left school I’ve been realising that everything they taught me was just a pile of shit. They taught me that law was something to be respected and all-powerful and all-wonderful. That the government says only what is the will of the people blah blah blah. And it ain’t that at all. They said Britain was a democracy and that’s shit as well.

“Britain is run by advertising men. The media, and newspapers in particular, formulate people’s opinions. Some of the things they put across are just fucking stupid but people believe them because they’re all there in black and white and three letter words. The working classes of this country are just too fuckin’ gullible and it’s time someone said, Look, just put that crap away ‘cos none of it’s true. Think for yourselves for a change.

“If someone did that then you wouldn’t get in fascists and people who vote Thatcher.”

You’ve been doing interviews with the dailies all week. If you think they’re all just a load of crap then why use them to push your product? I daresay that Crass would think twice about using the Sun to promote their views.

“In every interview I’ve done I’ve made my point but they just won’t listen, guv. But I’ve got to continue making reasonable statements in the hope that someone will listen ‘cos that’s the only way to change anything.”

Reasonable statements will never change a thing . . . but a good wheeze is just what the Empire needs. Long may the new Captain‘s ‘Happy Talk’ rule the waves.